For the longest time, I used running as therapy. I would work through my thoughts on early morning jogs, sweat out my frustration of the day (of myself) through long treadmill runs, all the while thinking that if I ran then I didn't need to talk about my thoughts. If I was so busy moving my feet I wouldn't have to deal with my past (or better yet, it would just "disappear"). I continued pounding the pavement and enjoying the movement that running brought into my life. I also continued to silence those thoughts that popped into my head at random times throughout the day (distracting me). Sometimes, I would run twice a day just to tire myself out so much that I wouldn't have the energy to think about anything else.

Running consumed my life and then I started signing up for half marathons and then full marathons. I always thought that if I just kept myself busy training for the next big thing that my past experiences wouldn't have space to make an appearance. I would impress others with my fancy race times and miles I ran rather than let them see how much I was struggling internally with the demons from my past. 

I become encompassed with statistics and improving and seeking out the next adventure. My friends were so impressed. I seemed almost super-human to them, but if only they had a glimpse of all the cobwebs I had stuffed deep inside I would seem more like a pile of dirt instead (or so I thought --> in reality, nothing that happened in my past was my fault and I was (and still am) amazing to accomplish so much!). 

The more I chased down a new goal, the less satisfied I became. I would get injured and feel completely lost. Who was I without running? I NEEDED it. If I didn't have it, then how else would I deal with all the thoughts swirling around in my head? Coming back from an injury, I would strive for an even loftier goal- a faster time, a longer distance, a crazier concept. 

But the funny part? Every new goal I accomplished no longer gave me that runner's high. I would cross the finish line of a marathon, snagging a new 10+ minute PR, and feel blah.

I wouldn't feel elated or happy or content. I would feel nothing but upset that I didn't crush my PR BY MORE THAN 10 minutes. I would internally get upset with myself- why didn't I push more, why did I not train harder etc. 

It took me until I ran 175 miles in 7 days to realize that running wasn't going to help me clear out those cobwebs from my past. Therapy was my only option if I wanted to reach that runner's high again and define myself beyond running.

I had suppressed past experiences that happened in my life (I was sexually assaulted by my best friend, my grandfather attempted suicide, and my parents got divorced all within a span of 12 months) for over 10 years, without ever going to talk to a therapist. 

Realizing that running was no longer my therapy was one thing, but actually going to therapy was a whole different ballgame. 

It took me two months before I scheduled an appointment with a therapist.

I was so nervous to finally "air my dirty laundry" to a stranger that I barely slept the night before. My closest friends knew about these things, but it felt completely different to not only show up at this appointment but to finally face them head-on. I forced myself to go because I knew that if I wanted that runners high again, I would need to go to therapy and free myself from these experiences. 

I went to the first appointment and made it out the other side. It was scary, yes, and it really brought out so many thoughts that I never had about those past experiences. I was so thankful for running at that point. I would leave my headphones at home and would just process those thoughts for the hour that I was out on the road. Running was no longer my therapy, but it now provided me the opportunity (and time) to think on the run. To connect some dots, to process how I felt, reflect. 

I've since been to four sessions and am finally starting to see the light. I am also enjoying running so much more. I'm putting less pressure on myself, feeling more confident, and slowing down- enjoying the ride rather than looking towards the next destination. It is still scary to go to therapy because I never know when something we discuss will trigger some new emotion in me, but I also know that the more something scares you the more necessary it is. 

I'm going to continue to go to therapy and work on improving myself and use running as a way to be more present, set goals (but not be so hard on myself), and just enjoy the run. 

Sharing my experience with therapy, my past experiences that brought me to therapy, and how I finally decided to go to therapy for anyone who may be going through (or already gone through or thinking about going to therapy) a similar situation. : )

Please feel free to reach out to a friend, family member, or even me if you ever need someone to chat with- it really does help! 

Have a great weekend friends!