Grief While Pregnant

Long time no blog! I had all the best intentions of blogging my pregnancy every week, but honestly life has been busy and overwhelming at times so here I am- blogging again and not sure when I’ll have the time to revisit (33 weeks with the twins on Friday), but writing has always been one of my favorite outlets to let any emotion or thought out and I figured that writing about this publicly might help just one other person out there- so here I am.

My father passed away a little less than 2 weeks ago and at the time, I was 31 weeks pregnant with the twinnies. It’s funny how even when someone has an illness that you know will eventually kill them, you never actually think about it happening until it does. I’m not sure whether it has always been denile or a sort of coping mechanism, but never did I think actually think that him being admitted to the hospital could very well be his last time (seems like he was admitted to the Cardiac ICU every year around this time, but he always made it out OK- until he didn’t). There was such a short window from when I thought he was still doing good to actually facing the idea (& the fact) that hospice was really his only option- maybe 2-3 days? And even when that became the only clear option, I still held out hope. Hope that surely he would pull out of it (I mean- he always beat the slim odds that the doctors gave him for the past 25 years), hope that maybe-somehow- this was all just a dream (some parts of the day, it does still feel like a complete nightmare).

I saw my “Dad” for the last time (in quotations because he really was in and out of it the majority of my visit- which was heartbreaking to see) on Monday, with plans to see him both Friday and Saturday at the hospice center. He passed away 2 hours before I arrived on Friday. He was so excited to be a grandfather- it makes my heart ache every time I think about it. I talked him almost every day through text message and loved how he helped pick-out clothes for the girls. He told everyone he knew about ‘the girls’. I also kept holding out hope that he could hang-on for another 4 weeks until the twins would be born (we will deliver them between 36-37 weeks at the very latest), and I still -at times- cannot believe he won’t get to hold them. He was already planning being at their birthday parties, taking trips with us next summer, when he would come to visit.

And now, here I am instead looking at a bouquet of flowers that rested above his casket at his funeral last weekend. I so badly want to still be excited about the babies coming in 3-4 weeks, but when I get excited I then immediately feel immense guilt and sadness. Guilt for feeling excited and sadness because a piece of my heart (& even the twins) is missing. Being pregnant has given me a lot of distractions from having to meal-prep and get the last minute things we may need for the babies, which is nice. But it’s also made me nervous- knowing what I know about stress & contractions & premature births, so I’ve tried to allow myself moments to feel the feels and then tried to move onto a project or take the dog for a walk or workout. Thankfully I’m still able to do my run/walks (generally 2-2.5 miles), so it’s been nice to keep that constant in my life.

So, I’m not really sure where I am in the grieving process and know that it will most definitely stick around for quite some time, but I’m in the thick of it. Little things will remind me of my Dad and send me into tears or disbelief that I’ll never get to physically give him another hug or have him teach me something. Today was a tough day because it was our ultrasound day- my Dad was still ‘around’ during our last ultrasound (enough to be able to tell those around him about Baby A and Baby B), and today he wasn’t.

I know that it will get easier, but it’s tough right now. Even if something is ‘inevitable’, it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. So, if you’re going through a similar situation- just know that I get it.