Grief While Pregnant

Long time no blog! I had all the best intentions of blogging my pregnancy every week, but honestly life has been busy and overwhelming at times so here I am- blogging again and not sure when I’ll have the time to revisit (33 weeks with the twins on Friday), but writing has always been one of my favorite outlets to let any emotion or thought out and I figured that writing about this publicly might help just one other person out there- so here I am.

My father passed away a little less than 2 weeks ago and at the time, I was 31 weeks pregnant with the twinnies. It’s funny how even when someone has an illness that you know will eventually kill them, you never actually think about it happening until it does. I’m not sure whether it has always been denile or a sort of coping mechanism, but never did I think actually think that him being admitted to the hospital could very well be his last time (seems like he was admitted to the Cardiac ICU every year around this time, but he always made it out OK- until he didn’t). There was such a short window from when I thought he was still doing good to actually facing the idea (& the fact) that hospice was really his only option- maybe 2-3 days? And even when that became the only clear option, I still held out hope. Hope that surely he would pull out of it (I mean- he always beat the slim odds that the doctors gave him for the past 25 years), hope that maybe-somehow- this was all just a dream (some parts of the day, it does still feel like a complete nightmare).

I saw my “Dad” for the last time (in quotations because he really was in and out of it the majority of my visit- which was heartbreaking to see) on Monday, with plans to see him both Friday and Saturday at the hospice center. He passed away 2 hours before I arrived on Friday. He was so excited to be a grandfather- it makes my heart ache every time I think about it. I talked him almost every day through text message and loved how he helped pick-out clothes for the girls. He told everyone he knew about ‘the girls’. I also kept holding out hope that he could hang-on for another 4 weeks until the twins would be born (we will deliver them between 36-37 weeks at the very latest), and I still -at times- cannot believe he won’t get to hold them. He was already planning being at their birthday parties, taking trips with us next summer, when he would come to visit.

And now, here I am instead looking at a bouquet of flowers that rested above his casket at his funeral last weekend. I so badly want to still be excited about the babies coming in 3-4 weeks, but when I get excited I then immediately feel immense guilt and sadness. Guilt for feeling excited and sadness because a piece of my heart (& even the twins) is missing. Being pregnant has given me a lot of distractions from having to meal-prep and get the last minute things we may need for the babies, which is nice. But it’s also made me nervous- knowing what I know about stress & contractions & premature births, so I’ve tried to allow myself moments to feel the feels and then tried to move onto a project or take the dog for a walk or workout. Thankfully I’m still able to do my run/walks (generally 2-2.5 miles), so it’s been nice to keep that constant in my life.

So, I’m not really sure where I am in the grieving process and know that it will most definitely stick around for quite some time, but I’m in the thick of it. Little things will remind me of my Dad and send me into tears or disbelief that I’ll never get to physically give him another hug or have him teach me something. Today was a tough day because it was our ultrasound day- my Dad was still ‘around’ during our last ultrasound (enough to be able to tell those around him about Baby A and Baby B), and today he wasn’t.

I know that it will get easier, but it’s tough right now. Even if something is ‘inevitable’, it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. So, if you’re going through a similar situation- just know that I get it.

The Past 25 Weeks!

We’ve been a bit pre-occupied over here the past 25 weeks.

We’re expecting identical twin girls! Coming sometime in late December (and hopefully not any sooner). I’ve wanted to do a recap for awhile now (and actually had one almost all finished and then it never saved), so here we are! I’m giving as many details as I can remember, so buckle-up and dive-in if that’s what you’re interested in!

How we found out:

We had been trying fir awhile and honestly that period of ‘trying’ was exhausting and super isolating. For someone who is always used to ‘getting things’ when they put in the work, it’s hard to let Mother Nature ‘do her thing’. The month before I got the positive test, I actually just decided that maybe waiting a bit would be best - since we would be moving in the next few months and life would be a bit crazy. Well surprise on me! I didn’t really experience any symptoms that would indicate that it would be positive, but since I was a week late (normal for me to be late sometimes) and we would be going out to dinner (& I’d love a glass of wine!) I figured I would ‘be on the safe side’. I got one positive -shocked- and immediately had to take three more ‘just to be safe’. I’ve never seen anything come back so quickly! Turns out I was 5 weeks. The only ‘symptom’ that I can think I had was taking a two hour nap the weekend before and skipping my long run (just not feeling it). I wanted to tell Alex right away, but also wanted it to be special- so since it was a few days before his birthday, I decided to give him an early birthday card (I love giving cards!) and told him that way (that afternoon). I think we were still both shocked.

The first ultrasound & the waiting game

The wait between finding out we’re expecting & the 10-week ultrasound was long! I got a positive blood test shortly after the pregnancy tests and my HcG blood levels were quite high (so high that my doctor predicted that I was actually 3 weeks ahead of where I definitely was). I thought that was weird, but otherwise didn’t think anything of it. I felt ok otherwise during that ‘waiting period’ before the first ultrasound, but definitely really didn’t want anything besides cheese/ pasta/ bread/ butter. I also felt pretty exhausted, but otherwise was good. I continued to run & strength train, but kept it easier than I did beforehand (especially considering I was originally training for a 100 miler). I was super nervous going into the ultrasound (what if all the tests were actually just false-positives?!).

I remember the ultrasound tech finding one fetus and I immediately felt relieved. Alex then asked ‘ is that a second one?’ and my first instinct was to tell him to ‘shut up’ (albeit I didn’t actually say that), but then the ultrasound tech said that it actually was a second fetus! We were both laughing/crying with utter disbelief. The tech also asked if I had any previous ultrasounds showing any cysts (I hadn’t), so we immediately knew something was wrong. Waiting between the ultrasound and the doctors appointment (20ish minutes) was rough. I was able to see the ultrasound results before seeing our doctor and noticed that they measured a 12cm ovarian cyst and recommended following up with gynecology oncology. The wait for our midwife (first time meeting her) was so long. To shorten things up- we were then transferred from the midwife team to an OBGYN team to then the High-Risk pregnancy team all within a span of 30 minutes (also within an hour of finding out we’re having identical twins). The doctor recommended an MRI at 13 weeks (safe after the first trimester), to avoid lunges/heavy-lifting/only easy run/walks, and that he also did not believe it was cancerous in nature (thankfully).

I continued run/walking, minimal strength training (so not to burst the cyst), and counting down until the MRI. The nausea was all the time and fatigue was also a lot. Since identical twins have no genetic factors (1/250 pregnancies have identical twins), we really weren’t expecting it and even until after the MRI results came back (still had the cyst, but surgery would be too risky because of all the increased blood flow/two babies) we weren’t expecting to have a viable pregnancy. It wasn’t until almost 15 weeks that I finally felt like I could purchase two outfits (we knew by then that they were identical girls!) and that planning a registry would be OK. It really was an absolute whirlwind of emotions (and will still need to have the cyst removed a few months after I give birth) and also received the diagnosis of endometriosis (which is something I’ve probably had since High School).

The Second Trimester

We moved into our home shortly after 10 weeks and it was super challenging to not do any heavy-lifting with the move . But after getting the ‘green light’ to resume more lunging/strength training from our high-risk doctor, I started to feel more comfortable and confident in my pregnancy. We worked on our registry, painted the nursery, and started putting together the cribs. I have finally felt like I had more energy and we have continued to ‘settle in’ to our new home.

I’ve thankfully still continued strength training, run/walking, and swimming . I’ve done 3 in-person 5ks, two virtual 10ks, and a few virtual 5ks/ one sprint triathlon. Some days I miss racing hard and having big goals, but I know that I’ll get back there.

I think think the hardest adjustment has been to go from wanting so badly to have one healthy baby with our midwife team to having a high-risk identical twin pregnancy with an autoimmune diagnosis . There has absolutely been a ‘mourning period’ where I’ve had to come to terms with having two babies and the higher health risks that’s involved in the pregnancy and beyond (they will most-likely need a stay in the NICU) and will be delivered by 37 weeks (Christmas Eve). It’s not to say that I’m not incredibly grateful for the gift of two babies (the more, the merrier!)- it has (& I’m sure- will continue to be) an adjustment.

Things I’m:

• Most surprised by: how quickly my belly has ‘popped’, that running still feels good, that I’m still able to sneak in veggies at almost every meal, that people love to give you opinions on your pregnancy, how many people assume twins are only due to genetics, how expensive baby-related items are and how much of it we need (two of everything?!?), and how much I really haven’t hated pregnancy despite the complications.
  Mostly craving: Ice cream, salt & vinegar chips, cherry tomatoes, anything fried

• Loving: putting together the nursery, brainstorming baby names, feeling their kicks, picking out the cutest clothes, dreaming of things to do with our little sidekicks 🥰

• Things I could do without: every two week ultrasounds, the constant need to pee, everyone’s ‘opinions’ (albeit they always come from a good place), the constant numbness of my upper ribs whenever I lie down to sleep at night, having to buy maternity clothes (they’re expensive! They’re only going to last a few months!)

I think that’s all I have for my recap of the past 25 weeks for now, but hope to do more either weekly or biweekly recaps. If you’re pregnant/ have been- I’d love to know YOUR experience and also- must have baby items! The girls could be here in as little as 4 weeks (but hopefully not for at least 11! ) and we only have a few more ‘must-haves’ left on our registry. I don’t want to have a bunch of extra stuff!

Training Rundown: 4/12-5/2

Humpday! I’m collecting the past three weeks of training into one recap because I’ve been slacking (being completely honest over here). I really enjoyed my break from work over my birthday and just getting back into the swing of things (I.e. need to continue to list things on eBay & pare down all the things we never use before our closing date at the end of June). The transition from my marathon to now hasn’t been anything crazy, but it has been gradual.

Total Run Mileage each week: 21.25 , 35.19, 38.19

Longest Run: 13.36 (2.5 hrs)

Average Runs Per Week: 5

Total Miles Biked: 21.11

Total Swam: 3,007 yds

I focused mainly on really good nutrition and adding in walk breaks to my runs to transition from my marathon back into ultra training. I think it’s important to focus on recovery after any sort of race/big training and sleep is also a part of that. Sleep is certainly hard to come by when I’m switching between day/night schedules at the hospital, but I’ve been trying so hard to make that my number one priority.

-How do you transition from races back into training? What do you like to focus on?

7 Things

I had a shortened weekend with half off Sunday and worked both Friday/Saturday nights, but was able to get outside with Alex and go for a bike ride!

And then an hour run after the bike ride/night shift was SO HARD, but these moments are the ones that will help me get to my 💯 in August.

Lots of puppy snuggles were had 🥰

Also tried my first sour beer and WOW I’M OBSESSED. This one was so good (almost too good). Also- very surprised with how high the alcohol content was ?!?

I’m also all for the complimentary ‘it’s your birthday’ treats. Yay for Panera last week.

I’m working 3 night shifts in a row this week, so thinking that there’s going to be a lot more 5am coffee runs in my future.

I’m looking forward to more pool swims in my future. I swam the farthest I’ve ever gone on Monday!

-What’s your favorite cross training activity?
-Favorite ‘birthday treat’ from a restaurant?

Race Recap & It’s Been A Minute

Happy Friday! I’ve honestly been putting off writing this race recap from The Cheap Marathon because this race was a huge disappointment. I was so excited to get back to a ‘real live race’ and knew I had built up so much fitness- so, what could go wrong? Well, it did not end in a PR and I walked. A lot. I also stopped to make sure a runner on the side of the race course was ok as he was lying down (he was OK- we found a spectator who was able to call the race director and the runner didn’t hit his head and was able to answer basic questions). So, I finished 20+ minutes behind my goal in 3:58 and change.

Mentally, I felt frazzled leading into the race. I didn’t feel strong or confident, but felt like ‘meh’. I think part of it was I couldn’t believe that the race was actually going to happen when training. Last year with everything getting canceled and training so hard really took it’s toll on me. I also peaked at 45 miles for the race and every other marathon since I broke 4 hrs has been above 55 miles a week for several ones. I do believe in the importance of having ‘good miles’ as opposed to ‘junk miles’, but I think it also just added to my shaky confidence leading into the race.

My life is also just busy and stressful right now. We’re in the final stages of buying our first home, thinking of moving (UGH), just got a puppy, and I’m still commuting 2.5hrs to work (staying at a hotel between my shifts). It’s been really stressful beginning a new career and rotating between a day/night shift (that’s what our hospital does for all bedside nurses), really takes its toll. So, needless to say that it’s been challenging coming into the race mentally focused and strong . It’s also been a lot moving from Colorado to Maine over the past two years and to find my running groove here. I’m looking forward to finding its place again in my life and maybe explore other activities too (….. maybe a triathlon?!?).

In hopes of making this post relatively short, here are my takeaways from the race (besides the fact that it just hasn’t been my day or year for running honestly).

• The race was put on so well. I loved Millennium Running’s safety factors at the start and finish line.
  

• The race was a 2-lap out & back on a bike path. It was very flat (boring to me HONESTLY!) and many runners who passed you did not even try to social distance. It was super frustrating (& I’m even fully vaccinated!)

• The race also got extremely congested with the half marathoners joining in the second half. Would have loved to have had just marathoners one day and half marathoners the next day.
  

• Parking was easy and portapotties were accessible. Forever thankful for the race volunteers and aid stations that they had there. Their cheers were everything those last 6+ miles.

Also, here’s a photo of Sadie because that’s really why you’re probably here for!