An Ode To The New Mom

I’ve been struggling since new motherhood. I thought it would be easy. Well- I mean I knew it would be challenging and there would be change (especially when two little humans enter into your life), but I never saw my other struggles arise. Maybe if I had had a vaginal delivery things might be turned-out differently? I’m not sure. It’s funny how we always seem to want to go backwards and change things (in reality- we can’t). It seems like everyone loves their scars from motherhood and is always preaching about it. Well, I’m here to say that- I have not yet come to terms with loving my c-section scar. I wish that it was in a different place and believe that it will never lay flat because of how it was closed (and also believe that there are some endometrial tissue in there that creates the ‘mom pooch’). I initially tried (in those first few months) to love it and don’t get me wrong- I am so grateful for the doctors who saved my daughters’ lives and my life by doing the stat c-section, but I think it’s challenging to see it everyday. It’s less of a reminder of the beautiful outcomes that came from it and more of a reminder of the trauma that I endured. Maybe that’s selfish and maybe I’m cynical for thinking this way and maybe I’ll feel differently when I’m farther removed from the birth, but this is still where we’re at. Which brings me to my main point of this post.

What started as me loving and being grateful for my body, I found myself nit-picking every flaw about it. My butt looked big, my hips are wider, none of my clothes fit right anymore, I could never imagine wearing any sort of swimsuit that wasn’t high-waisted, and then we got a scale and I was brought right back into my obsession with dieting and weight that I struggled with throughout college. What slowly began as watching the numbers decrease down as I began running more and getting back my fitness, morphed into me obsessively checking my weight in the morning, after a run when I knew I sweated out an extra pound or two. I knew in the back of my mind that this isn’t healthy, but I continued to spiral. I would look in the mirror and see nothing but flaws. I wasn’t reminded of all that I’ve gone through and accomplished, I was just reminded of everything that I thought I wasn’t.

It wasn’t until recently when I began reading Lauren Fleshman’s book Good For A Girl, that I realized that someone else out there felt the same way as me. I only thought that I was an anomaly thinking these thoughts when I looked in the mirror, but alas! she somehow felt the same way too (in a different season of life of course). It was refreshing and it finally made me realize that I am so much more than a number on the scale or the small pooch that is a remnant of the war that me and the girls went through. Maybe those who have gone through traumatic surgeries feel the same way about their scars. I’m certain there is a small amount of grieving process that is involved with accepting your scar, but I think it’s also challenging for new moms (no matter how you delivered). Social media and the entertainment industry, I believe, played a huge part in my struggles with body image and scales. Running has always made me feel better (even postpartum). I’ve never felt stronger or more confident than I do when I’m crushing a race or workout. It’s taken me a long time to find the fire in my belly to compete and run hard (especially over longer distance races and there’s still so much more that I have to give) and I’ve slowly started to apply that confidence into other aspects of my life (thank you to my amazing therapist).

So, I decided that I had enough with the terrible thoughts when looking in the mirror or at the scale. I ditched the scale and when I get dressed- rather than looking in the mirror (which inevitably brings about negative thoughts), I ask myself how do I feel. If I don’t feel good- I change. I also acknowledge that different parts of my cycle I might feel more puffy and that’s normal. The biggest reason for my mental shift? I don’t want my girls to grow-up to seeing their mom continually second-guess herself. I want them to love their bodies (because I love them so much!) and experience life to the fullest. So, all this is to say that new moms- it’s ok if you’re struggling. I see you. I feel you. I was totally there too and dang, you’re doing a great job.

Feature Friday: 2023 Fitness Goals

It’s a few weeks later than I wanted to write this, but such is motherhood of two 1 year old twins. Our doctor the other day described having twins as something like an assembly line and I couldn’t agree more. If one part of our assembly line is out of order, then everything is askew. We get a baby up, dressed, downstairs in their highchair for breakfast- rinse and repeat. If one doesn’t get dressed or needs something extra, then we’ve got to completely pivot our assembly line (I guess this has really helped to let go of my type-A tendencies because things are ALWAYS changing with two littles). Anyways, this is all for me to say that I’m hopeful for us to make another 1-hour roadtrip to Trader Joes next week because I really need some vanilla Joe Joe’s.

I also had my longest bike ride ever (thank-you Peloton and Daycare days), 18.37 miles! So, this brings me to one of my goals for this year (and I’m equally terrified and SO DANG excited)- a Half Ironman! I’m doing the Maine 70.3 Ironman at the end of July and I can’t wait. The swim course is down river (which I’m most excited about because anything to help me get through that 1.2 mile swim) and the bike course (55 miles) seems challenging, but I’ll hopefully be ready. I’m also doing the Maine Cancer Foundation Tri For A Cure again in mid-July- this was such a fun sprint tri and I think it will be nice to ‘get my feet’ wet and have a little tune-up before the big race. Excuse my blurry post-treadmill run picture.

I’m also hoping to run a speedy half marathon this June at the Covered Bridges Half Marathon. I don’t think I’ll be in PR shape (nor will the course be PR-friendly with a lot of hills), but it’s close to home and has been on my bucket-list. I’d love to still break 1:40 in the half someday, but that probably will be next year or in 2 years if I’m being realistic. Izzy isn’t quite ready for me to run that fast either (actually- she was totally fine in this picture she just really hated that bow I placed on her for a quick Valentine’s Day pic).

Last, but not least- I’m hoping to do TWO MARATHONS this Fall! One, will be my goal race and the other one is going to be a goal of SO MUCH FUN. I’m back to doing the Wineglass Marathon this October. I loved this race and thought they put so much thought and effort into every detail that I had to go back again. Then, I’m doing a complete bucket-list marathon- the NYC Marathon and I’m fundraising for Every Mother Counts (look to me doing another post about this amazing organization soon). I cannot wait for it to be Fall, but also I’m very much looking forward to this Summer too! Charlotte also cannot wait until Summer when she can play in her sink (or well- sit in it) outside rather than inside with a sweater.

We’re in another second (or maybe third) round of winter weather, but I’m hopeful that Spring is really actually coming. I love the warmer weather days, the smell of Spring, planning of our garden, and not wearing a million layers if you want to go outside for a run (very thankful for treadmills these days). I’ve got my first race of the year on tap tomorrow (Shamrock Shuffle 5k) and I can’t wait. I did this race last year (newly off of the Fourth Trimester) and it was so much fun. I love a good local race and it starts at noon time (yay for getting extra playtime with the girls in the morning beforehand).

• Anyone going to be at any of my goal races this year?!? Let me know!

• What are your fitness goals for the year? How do you like to line-up your races? All at once or one for each season?

• Favorite Trader Joe’s items? Vanilla Joe Joe’s. SO DANG GOOD.

Marathon Monday: Favorites?

Back on the blog! It’s funny how I always have the best intentions to sit down to write and then it’s somehow 8pm and I’m exhausted. Except for tonight. Tonight was different (and not in a good way)- Izzy has been getting her two top molars in for the past two weeks (if you’re a parent of little then you know) and she’s been a total mess. So, cue an hour nap during the day, a 6:15pm bedtime, and voila! We’re back on the blog and it’s 7:30pm (I think I can still be in bed by 8:30 too)! We have been in ‘fake Spring’ for basically the entire first two weeks of February here in New Hampshire and now it’s basically going to snow this entire week. I LOVE snow, but I’m also so excited for warm days and summer nights enjoying our deck again (sans snow). We took the girls out sledding yesterday and while they were pretty confused by the whole concept, we had a GREAT time.

I’m not exactly in marathon training mode yet (I have my eye on at least one Fall marathon), but I’m always thinking about those 26.2 miles and snagging that BQ. So, I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite things that have helped me run my fastest marathon last year and also successfully ran 10 26.2s I’m ((hopefully)) going to share my training goals for the year on the blog sometime this week, so make sure to check back if that’s something you’re interested in!

Fast Shoes:

The Nike Vaporflys are my new carbon fiber favorites

A GPS watch:

Still rocking my (slowly dying) Garmin Forerunner 235

Long Run tested (non-chafing) clothes (that make me feel fast)

Oiselle Pocket Joggers, Lululemon Align Crop Tops are my current favorites

A kick-ass running coach

Currently training with Coach Cara from Lift. Run.Perform! I’m also a running coach if you’re looking to start training for a race or wanting to make running a more consistent part of your life.

Cross training & strength

I would never have been able to run 10 marathons & several ultra marathons without adding in both strength training & cross training

Adequate Rest, Hydration, & Nutrition

I’ve dug myself into big holes when I’ve neglected any one (or all) of the above. Don’t be like me!

• What else would you add?!? Favorite post long run meal or ways to recover?

• —> I’m all about epsom salt baths, a protein shake, & putting my feet up the wall lately

2022 Less Is Inevitably More

I ran my lowest mileage year ever in 2022 (besides being pregnant for most of 2021) and somehow managed to get two new PRs- one in the marathon & another in the 10k. It’s absolutely crazy to think that I shaved 7 minutes off my marathon time when I followed a very short (10ish week) build-up.

I ran 1,067.8 miles in 2022. I biked way more than I ever have before, focused a ton on strength training, and really honed-in on my mental strength. I grew so much confidence in myself the second half of the year and also let a lot of little things (like missing a run) just not bother me. I also did my first-ever (and not last!) sprint triathlon.

I think taking a lot of the pressure off myself helped a lot. I also started running (run/walking) very minimally at 7 weeks postpartum. I raced less - one half marathon, one tri, one 10k, one 5k, and one marathon. After looking back, I’m super proud of how I managed to both get faster and do it on less mileage. I still ran the majority of my runs at slower than 10 minute pace and hired a coach for my marathon build (Coach Cara at Lift Run Perform).

So, I’m not sure if I can top last years PRs, but I’m certainly going to try to build off of it.

-continue building my mental strength

-sub 1:40 half marathon

-70.3 half Ironman

-get stronger!

-continue to focus on nutrition

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~What are your goals for the year?

~Tips for doing 70.3? I’m so excited AND terrified!

The First Year With Twins

I can’t believe that it’s almost been ONE YEAR since the twins were born. They turn one on the 15th and I didn’t think I would be as emotional about their birthday as I am. It brings back all the exciting and exhilarating emotions surrounding their birth, as well as so much disappointment and frustration. Disappointment manly in just how it came to an emergency c-section and frustration with not knowing when Charlotte might be discharged and her having to have been re-admitted after being released from the NICU. Excitement surrounding their arrival and finally becoming parents! We had no idea how long the inducement phase actually was (it was around 76 hours until my original vaginal birth turned emergency c-section) and I still look back on the entire experience as it was a complete whirlwind. I still have days where I’m shocked that we have TWINS and that they somehow both came from me.

Day that we were going to be heading to the hospital to be induced! Omg I already look so tired…

Trigger warning: this section talks about traumatic births and rape

It’s funny looking back at the entire birth experience and while I wasn’t planning on ever sharing too much information about it, I do think that it’s important to share because I know that there are other mommas out there that have traumatic births and for us to not feel alone (I work with a lot of mommas in the NICU who have these similar experiences). I will say that it was extremely traumatic to go from starting my vaginal birth and pushing, to having been told I was not fully dilated, to Charlotte having some decels in her heart rate and having an emergency c-section all within 2 hour time span. It was also so terrifying to be on the medical side of a lot of this (in that- I knew what was going on in both my body and the babies) and I knew prognosis was scary. I will also say that when you expect to hear two babies come out crying and only hear one (Charlotte came out not breathing and needed resuscitation efforts to help her get the hang of things)- it’s extremely traumatic. I also had always been extremely terrified of having a c-section - particularly being tied down and it wasn’t until I started therapy a few months ago that I realized I was terrified of it because it brought me directly back to my rape and having absolutely no control over the situation. So, if you’ve experienced any of these things- just know that I see you and I know what you’re going through. It’s taking me a lot of time and perspective to start to process all of these emotions. I still have a lot more to process, but I’m so proud of the growth I have had this past year (in so many areas)! Needless to say, that the girls didn’t have the most graceful nor peaceful arrival to the world that I envisioned, but they both came home (Charlotte 4 days later than Isabelle) and have been healthy (besides minor daycare germ sicknesses). Additionally- the c-section (and endometrioma adhesion removal and partial vaginal birth (Charlotte became partially stuck in my birth canal during my vaginal pushes)) recovery was tough. I remember being maybe 10 days post-birth and walking 0.25 miles seemed almost inconceivable. So, if you’re still struggling from your recovery know that it takes time!

So, we’ll move on from the labor & delivery part to things that I’ve loved/learned/wish I did differently with twins:

I’ve loved learning about their new personalities and having two little people to dress every day!

Izzy!

Charlotte!

In all seriousness- here are things that I loved during the past year and would also recommend doing for fellow twin mommas!

• Getting out of the house with both babies. Sooner than you would like. Start with drives. Then maybe to target for a quick trip. Just GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! It was (and honestly still is) a major struggle to get two little humans ready to go and out the door for something like a quick trip to the grocery store, but I was (and still am) determined to have these two little humans fit into our lives a bit more.

• Bouncing off the previous idea- don’t let babies schedules get in the way of your “me time”. Whether that’s reading a book, working out, cooking, watching your favorite show- get creative in the way that you can include the babies. I had seats downstairs next to the treadmill and would pop the twins in there if they weren’t napping while I got my workout in.

• Get a therapist that you love. This was life-changing for me in so many ways. Bonus if she’s also a mom too.

• Find fellow twin mommas. This one is hard to do, but if you can see that there is another one of you that’s struggling with getting the babies to sleep at the same time- you feel a bit less alone.

• Don’t feel guilty if you want to go back to work (or if you don’t). Going back to work was a game-changer for me honestly. I needed to get out of the house and have something outside of the babies to look forward to.

• Mommaroos. Especially when they were still preemies- they lived in them.

• Twin-Z pillow. I waited to get this until they were 6 or 7 weeks old and WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG?!? Omg. We still use this pillow. We’ve brought it everywhere (literally everywhere) with us.

• On pregnancy- stretchy cotton pants that both looked professional, but also secretly was basically just glorified sweatpants (see above big belly picture). I lived in those pants and pretty sure they’re $15 on Amazon.

• Lactation consultants. I didn’t do this and honestly everything just felt overwhelming in the beginning, that I wish I had booked a consult before leaving the hospital. I never had any follow-ups and didn’t get around to reaching out to one (who was not helpful) until 6 months postpartum. From experience with working with mommas in the NICU- find a lactation consultant you love and plan to meet with them a week to a few weeks after babies birth.

• Breast pump you love and that works for you. If it weren’t for my Elvie breast pump, I wouldn’t still be pumping at almost 1 year postpartum. I wanted to quit so often and when the babies always needed something (at different times), it was nearly impossible for me to be hooked and tethered to a hospital grade pump. I eventually found a rhythm with my Spectra S1 (which I’m planning on doing a whole post dedicated to BFing) after 7 months and didn’t use the hospital-grade Medela one much (but had co-workers who loved theirs).

• Goals for yourself. Whether it’s wanting to read a bit or go outside for a walk/run or take a nap. Communicate with your partner and don’t forget to lose-sight of yourself. It’s super easy to do (especially with two)!

• Charlotte was sent-home on a program called the TLC clinic/Hope Grows At Home, where we had a very-close connection with a neonatology NP (GOALS!) and RN. Honestly- this was the best thing that ever happened to us. I sent them more messages and asked them more questions than our primary care PCP. We had to do a weigh-in for both babies every day for almost 2 months and send their weights to their office and then would have a telehealth check-in. It was super stressful, but also gave me so much reassurance that we had a reliable resource. If there is a program like this available to you, please reach out and ask if you can be included in it (more common if your babies have a NICU stay).

• Plan trips. Whether it’s just an hour drive to go visit relatives or an overnighter- have things that you look forward to and while the first few trips seemed stressful (and literally like we were bringing our entire house!), it got easier and we had things to look forward to (and childcare).

• I love sending the girls to daycare part-time (2 days/week). We were on a waiting list at my hospital for over a year (while I was still pregnant) and am so happy with our decision to send them. I book out one of their daycare days so I don’t work and get the day to myself. Selfish? Maybe? Necessary for me personally? Definitely.

• Four months of maternity leave. A part of me wish it was longer, but I was also ready to go back to work too.

• Grocery pick-up and target to go. We did this A LOT (and still do).

Things I’ve LEARNED:

• I’m not perfect. I’m not an amazing mom. I’m a GOOD MOM and I’m proud of that!

• It’s ok to be frustrated. Totally normal.

• We ran our dishwasher every day.

• It’s ok to follow your gut-instinct. Ask for help. Say no when you’re overwhelmed. You’re in-charge of two little people now.

• You can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.

• You don’t need two of everything. Yes to cribs, bassinets, car seats, mammaroos/swings, stand-up seats (Skip Hop is our favorite). A stroller that does hold both babies is really nice (we love our Uppababy stroller (package that came with two of everything) and Thule double jogging stroller).

• There were so many diapers. So much laundry. Just things that you think are crazy when you add one tiny little human- double it. It’s a large learning curve (I think anyways) for adding one baby- it’s a huge learning curve for adding two babies.

• Milestones and doctors appointments shouldn’t be stressful. Find a PCP that you love. Ours is very down to earth, tells us how it is, and doesn’t harp on milestones (but is realistic and tells us when maybe we should be working on things more with the babies).

• Starting food is very messy. I just learned to embrace the mess.

• Any consumption of breastmilk is GREAT. Whether it’s only for a few days of the babies life, exclusive for a few months/days/weeks/years, or one bottle a day- all studies I’ve read suggest that some breastmilk give baby benefits. I wish that someone had told me this way back at the beginning when I hated supplementing with formula (originally for weight-gain, then with lower supply).

• SIDS is scary, but it’s multi-factorial and while I had every right to be nervous about it- there is only so much that is in my control. Once I know that baby is sleeping in a safe bassinet, with the correct amount of layers, in an age-appropriate sleep-sack, in our room, and non-smoking household- most genetic factors that underly it were out of our hands. I still worried about them- as twins- as preemies- a lot. No advice here, maybe just know if you worry about it too that you’re not alone.

• Two diaper changing stations (one on different floors if you have their nursery upstairs and living area downstairs) is necessary.

• Pelvic Floor PT at 3 or 4 weeks postpartum. Started early and I stayed consistent with it. It was also so nice to know that I would be getting out of the house every week.

Things I wished I did differently:

• Spoke-up more. When I thought things should be different. When I had concerns. When I needed a break. When I felt so confused and alone when trying to breastfeed.

• Actively found a therapist sooner than 8 months postpartum. I tried for months to find someone that fit. It’s really hard and expensive. I wish that was different too.

• I love where I work now (I switched from working in Hematology/Oncology to the NICU about 2 months after I went back to work), but I do wish the timing was different in some regards. It was stressful learning a whole new type of nursing (and still is) and the training was long- 6 months long, but I also grew so much confidence professionally and personally as a mom (helps when you work with new moms who are also just starting out). So not sure if I would change it, but just something to note.

• Did more skin-to-skin. I didn’t realize how many amazing benefits came from it. I did it a lot in the hospital, but less when we came home.

• Sleep-training and cry-it-out. Alex can’t let them cry-it-out, so we’re still soothing to sleep, but maybe someday we’ll get there!

Overall- this first year with twins was crazy. A total rollercoaster. They’re generally pretty good babies and keeping them on a similar schedule (thanks to them being identical) has really helped. I felt like I totally lost myself and have slowly (very slowly) started to find myself and my confidence again. I still don’t feel “back to normal” at 1 year postpartum. I’ve started to feel better just recently, but still not back to where I was. I’ve heard that it might take 18 months or maybe a few years. I think I’ll eventually get to my ‘new normal’, but we’re also trying to keep two little humans alive so it might take a bit longer than someone elses’ journey and that’s ok. I’m still not back to my ‘pre-pregnancy jeans’ and I’m totally ok with it because I honestly feel so much stronger than I ever was (mentally and physically). Goals for the next year: plan a solo-trip sans babies and sleep in a luxurious hotel bed. That sounds really really nice right about now.

• Twin mommas- what tips do you have?

• Things you would have done differently? Things you would have done the same?